Or as it was recoined, SPAM or spam. They are supposed to be case sensitive. At least Hormel would like you to do so for the sake of branding. Anyhow, I was thinking about updating my blog with something and was trying to think of a suitably interesting topic. Of course, any conversations that bring up potted meat products are sure to be memorable, right? So it was the other day. I was just chatting with My Royal Friend about SPAM and how it tasted. Yes, it’s true, I have had the rich experience of consuming such a dubious product. It’s very big in South Korea. Probably not as much as in Hawaii but I’m no expert.

So the description is as follows: It tastes hammy and salty with a smack of sweet. It has a uniquely processed taste that is inexplicable if the former terminology does not suffice. As a joke, I used to try and sneak cans of potted meat into the shopping basket. Usually Chupys caught me but once I got all the way to the conveyor belt checkout and I obviously didn’t want to actually buy it so I had to pull it off. I imagined that it was something heroic as I did it. Making it to the metal containment cannister just in time and whatnot. If the entity known as Wikipedia is to be believed (I do mostly because I’m sure it’s as reliable as at least half the other shit i hear on a daily basis) the common way to eat SPAM in America is cold. This is cause to shudder. At least when I got it, it was fucking warm and a bit crispy on the outside.

I think that it’s safe to say that the word spam (or SPAM) carries a negative connotation. Of course, it’s been months since I logged onto my blog so when I arrived I had to clean out all the spam comments from my blog. I hate spam even more than SPAM. At least, if I were starving there would be a tiny shred of me that relished in the fact that I might have SPAM to eat. But spam, on the other hand, is foul to its very core. The mere existence of it is a taint on the universe. Like cockroaches only moreso. Even the fleeting idea of spam is an affront. Not just to me. If there were some powerful deity or being, spam would be their nemesis. In the Christian faith, that makes spam the Antichrist.

I don’t just denounce the object but also the act and the perpetrator. What kind of morally debased husk of a human would ever inflict such a terrible plague on the information multiverse? Think about everyone you know. Are they such a person? If they are… then you know what you have to do.

-J